The Great Lincoln Log Conspiracy.

Every so often something happens that gives me a greater understanding of who I am and how I got that way. Something like that happened today. Today I discovered yet another source of my adult insecurities thanks to a client of ours here at [Redacted] that builds elevators and, as part of a clever ad campaign, we found ourselves attempting to construct Lincoln Log houses.

There's no need to explain the concept, though I am sure question marks are appearing over your head as you try to imagine why a grown man would be getting paid to set around and play with Lincoln Logs. Suffice to say that my job is much cooler than yours...or my employer couldn't find anything better to use me for.

John Loyd Wright: Epic Dick:

You'd think that, as a grown man of 35 years, my tiny log cabin building skills would have improved many fold since childhood. You, however, would be wrong. After a few minutes of construction two things became very clear to me: 1. I am about two points away from being autistic on the Lincoln Log IQ Test and 2. John Loyd Wright was a total dick and possibly guilty of felony conspiracy of the highest order.

Allow me to explain. Check out the pictures of what you are suppose to be able to create from a can of Lincoln Logs. Looks simple. A child could do it, right? WRONG. A child could TRY to do it but they would inevitably fail.

Now why would somebody set children to up fail and crush their fragile little egos?

The Shadow of a Great Man:

Well, let's consider John Loyd Wright, the inventor of Lincoln Logs. I know, you are shocked to find out that Abe Lincoln did not invent the logs that carry his name. That's why you read this blog, for insights like that. You've probably never heard of John Wright, but you've hopefully heard of his dad, Frank Loyd Wright. Yep, John's dad was the most famous and revered architect in the history of people building things.

And his son, also an architect, is famous for creating a childrens' toy. Ouch! The story goes that John was inspired to create Lincoln Logs while watching the construction of his father's Imperial Hotel in Nagoya, Japan (a particularly Lincoln-Log-esque creation). So instead of being inspired to create a masterwork to rival that of dear old dad's, John was moved instead to create a can of notched wooden logs that would forever infuriate children and reduce their dreams of becoming successful architects to nothing more than a formless pile of notched wooden logs.

Or perhaps there is more to it.

Tiny Wooden Houses of Pain:

Some say (me) that John, disgruntled at his attempts to best dad in the edifice-construction department (call it an "edifice complex" if you can stand the sighs of disgust from anybody that hears you do so), decided to exact revenge upon children around the globe. Driven mad by the unrelenting pressure to escape his father's shadow (a story later made into an early horror film), he devised a cunning plan to subject kids to the same soul-crushing experience he had had growing up.

He created what seemed to be a fun toy that also inspired childrens' creativity. That was only on the surface.

The Missing Linc:

Lincoln Logs were actually carefully constructed to introduce children to the same crushing feelings of failure and inadequacy Wright felt as a child himself.

Doubt me? Try to build something (see my example) with Lincoln Logs. It starts out fun and happy times, but you soon run into Wright's devious diablo ex machina: there's only a few logs with three notches--far fewer than would be needed to frame a proper log-a-minium. Call it the tri-notch conundrum if you will...and you will.

Anybody who has built anything with Lincoln Logs knows that those three-notch pieces are the longest and are key to building anything larger than an outhouse. Many a brotherly fist-to-cuffs as broken out over the last three-notcher. It never fails, you get halfway through your construction of a lovely three bedroom Victorian and BAM, no more of the invaluable three-notch pieces to be found. If you want to keep going, you need a whole additional set of logs which dad won't buy you because he spent all his money on stripper and blow again. So you are left with either a half built log structure or a room full of tiny logs scattered in every direction.

Lincoln Logs and the Fall of Democracy:

You might think it is just a clever way to get you to buy more Lincoln Logs. No. That feeling of failure, the feeling of knowing your dreams will only go half fulfilled, echoes of a man whose life went the same way, a bitter bastard named John Wright.

And so one of the reasons I am such a cynical adult who no longer believes in hopes and/or dreams was revealed to me today as I tried to build a kick-ass tri-story Lincoln Log multiplex. Sure it started out well enough but it ended in crushing defeat, just like life itself.

Thanks John Loyd Wright for teaching millions of kids what they could expect in life and breeding cynicism and hopelessness. Considering the Lincoln Logs were marketed to affluent Americans in the 1940s and 1950s (ran TV commercials and only the rich possessed TVs at the time), perhaps the impact was even worse. Our current leaders were only rich little brats back then. Perhaps G.W. Bush or Karl Rove lost their sense of altruism and fair play after suffering repeated defeat on the field of play and vowed to one day exact their revenge upon the world as a whole.

And the cycle continued.

That seems plausible. I'm going with it. It's settled: John Loyd Wright and his confounded tri-wedge-shorted Lincoln Logs led to the depredation of the world as we know it.

Don't agree? Look at the epic FAIL below.

If I'd had a few more of those damned three-notchers, I could have built one of these: