Gitmo Out of Team Building.

Team Building: The Power of Stupid People in Groups

Team building exercises are the stuff of nightmares and comedy skits. The boss calls the troops together (usually on a weekend to "leverage" the overall suckiness of the event) and conducts some "turn-key", ready-made exercise that usually involves falling off something into the waiting arms of your newly-energized "team members."

During the 1980's, corporate America fell in love with gung-ho, morale building gimmicks and a cottage industry of motivational speakers and weekend programs that covered everything from paintball wars to blind-folded driving. We can thank the Japanese and our obsessive fear that they would conquer America via the clever use of compact cars and home stereo equipment. Suffice to say we should have quickly learned what millions of YouTube viewers have long known; what works for the Japanese, comes off as just plain stupid and/or illegal when we do it. But corporate America is a different world. What most people would never even consider doing or tolerating, becomes the norm.

Waterboarding: Xtreme Motivation for Xtreme Results(tm)

And so Prosper Inc. decided recently to take things up a notch or two by waterboarding employees in an effort to improve lagging sales.

If I could make the following quote up, I would be in Hollywood doing blow off something right now:

You saw how hard Chad fought for air right there. I want you to go back inside and fight that hard to make sales.

While I am sure Chad was about as motivated as he could have been whilst upside-down having water poured over his face, I doubt that type of life-or-drowning motivation can be expected during his next cold call.

Predictably, Prosper Inc. was shocked, SHOCKED, I say to find out people might find this type of activity shocking and that people might then look upon them with scorn. Again, if I could make up quotes like this next one from the company's lawyer, I'd be a very rich man:

We’re not the mean waterboarding company that people think we are.

Well, you waterboarded an employee, you are a company and depriving people of oxygen while simulating the whole drowning experience is pretty fucking mean . I don't see too much to debate here. The company, when questioned about the incident, did put up a very strong defense that basically boiled down to, "This wouldn't even be a big deal if the CIA hadn't done it at GITMO."

Ah, true that. People would be waterboarding each other at parties, there would be home waterboarding kits--it would be fun for everybody. Even so, I doubt you would have thought of it on your own either and you would not have ever heard of it if it had not been the topic of global outrage based on the fact that it violated some pesky rules about not farking torturing POWs. And it should also be noted that the company had subjected salespeople to only the passing-humiliation of an egg toss during their last event.

Everybody likes a surprise, but generally surprises don't involve torture and, when they do, teams aren't built so much as lawsuits and international incidents. But how could this even happen? Would Chad Hudgens, the aforementioned victim, have brutally cock punched his torturers if he were off the clock? You bet. But, at work, we all seem to forget we are individuals with rights, one of which happens to be to cock bunch somebody HARD if they ever even consider attempting to subject us to any form of torture. Actually, we should be well with in our rights to cock punch anybody who subjects us to team building exercises of any sort, but one thing at a time.

What? No Cock Punches?

Granted, the victim didn't see it coming as he was/is a total asshat and thought waterboarding had "something to do with water skiing," but even idiots deserve better (that is unless they are running a country and order waterboarding, then, bottoms up, biatches).

If being paid to do something isn't enough motivation for your people to get it done, you're hiring the wrong people. As Socrates once said, "You can polish poo all you like and it will still be poo." So unless you're going to let your employees light stuff on fire and blow stuff up
which is awesome motivation to do anything, STFU and GBTW, people!

Chad did, however, find the technique effective getting people to say something/anything true or otherwise to make it stop, "I would’ve told them whatever they wanted me to tell them."

I dunno, how about telling them, "Fuck off, you crazy bastards. Come here so I might cock punch you with extreme prejudice and then light you on fire." Or something along those lines. Chad better get one hell of a letter of recommendation for his next job. Perhaps his new skills might be helpful in his future endeavors as well.

• Skills include: Not dying when having gallons of water poured in face for 20 seconds or more.
• Weaknesses include: Not beating ever-loving-hell out of bosses who poured water in face for 20 seconds or more.

So, at least he has that going for him.

Note: Any team-building event that results in this quote or any quote containing any of the included phrases, "Throwing pies at them, feeding them baby food, making them wear diapers and swatting their buttocks" warrants violence to our about the groin area and/or one epic lawsuit. Read more here.

For something so hideous (or a motivational video nature, whole other topic), click here. Be warned, this could tear a hole in your soul.