Advair, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!

Pneumonia, I have it. Why? A fit specimen such as myself, suffering a notorious granny-afflicting ailment?

Well, I recently moved back to Dallas from South Carolina and, in order to save money, my wife, Mrs. Copywriterman, suggested we move into her mother's house and save some money, buy all new furniture and get ahead on some bills.

As my mother-in-law resides elsewhere and the idea of getting a financial leg up sounded bully to me, I went along with the idea.

So, off to Dallas we went, leaving our old furniture behind and all. New place, new stuff, American dream, Waldensian utopia and so on.

What you don't know can hurt you as always. My wife neglected to tell me that her mom's house is a mold-infested, sewage-backing-up, little-house-on-some-damn-prairie throwback with all the comfort and charm (not to mention relative humidity and mold content) of a 14th century dungeon. The mold is so bad in fact that the only treatment is a nuking from orbit (only way to be sure).

It appears that living in such environs has been known to cause epic respiratory distress in mice and copywriters.

The more you know...

To cut to the chase, after wheezing like a asthmatic in a tornado made of dandelions for about a week, I went to the doctor and found out that I had an ear/sinus/every-damn-thing infection and walking pneumonia. As I prefer my lungs functioning above 30%, I agreed to a myriad of shots, pills and to inhale something called Advair thrice daily.

Problem solved, right? Medical science saves the day. Marathons for me mere days later. I mean, Advair is a steroid and steroids give you super powers. My lungs should be strong like bull, right? Right?

No. Not so much.

Advair® (fluticasone and salmetero) has some mind-blowingly ironic side effects. Remember, you take it to help with bronchial ailments, i.e. to breath farking better.

Here are the listed side effects with my particular ones in bold:

Upper respiratory tract infections, such as the common cold -- in up to 27 percent of people
Headaches -- up to 21 percent (Does passing out from lack of oxygen and hitting your head count?
A sore throat -- up to 13 percent
Bronchitis -- up to 8 percent
Coughing -- up to 6 percent
Nausea and vomiting -- up to 6 percent. (Gee, too bad I missed that one)

Sorry, BRONCHITIS? UPPER RESPIRATORY INFECTIONS? Whisky Tango Foxtrot?! You mean the exact things you take Advair to treat? You mean it will help me breathe farking worse? Gee thanks for that.

I suppose this should come as no surprise. Prozac increases risk of suicide. Heart attack meds increase risk of heart attacks.

Dear pharmaceutical companies: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Please revisit the concept of curing ailments at length. Hire, I dunno, some qualified medical personnel, maybe even some doctors, to help sort this all out for you.

Or maybe they are out to kill us all and things are going swimmingly. More concerning to though, maybe my wife is trying to kill me!
She's probably got some superhero-sized immunity to whatever manner of fonchy, microbial malfeasance haunts our house. It could be. She does watch a whole lot of CSI of late.

Surely not.

[cough]

Err....hopefully not.